I sat down to write. It’s been several hours and I haven’t done it yet. I promised myself I would write every day and I want to finally keep a promise, even if it’s just to myself. So here are my feelings. The thoughts screaming in my head, drowned out only but the comically loud crickets just outside my window. Somehow, they grow louder when I cannot sleep, when I find myself immobile. Literally and figuratively I am trapped by my own doings, and in the early mornings with no sleep it sounds like the lively earth is screaming at me. I have written and erased too many times, the earths heavy reminders. Things I am sad to have heard, ashamed of, hated. I couldn’t bear to see them typed here on my beloved computer screen.
I feel like self-reflection is the one thing I can always do well. My inner monologue is a bitch, but a clever one. I know exactly what wrong with me, I can analyze ever conversation I have ever had and critique every choice I have ever made. I know myself, my failures and my flaws. It seems impossible to fix them though. For hours, maybe even for years, I have wondered why I fall into these pits. Why I am so afraid?
I can hear stories in my head. When I take a shower, a sentence will emerge among all of my thoughts that I know is different. When I am in the car I’ll think of a fantastical creature begging to be a part of a fantastical world and when I am drifting off to sleep a monster will creep in just waiting to be fought. I have worlds living in my head, endlessly begging to be told through story. I don’t write because I can’t bear to fail at something I love. To be bad at it. I recently realized this and I think I have finally grasped how much that applies to everything. But it matters more with writing because writing has always mattered more. I finally realized that I am so afraid of failure that I don’t do anything. It’s a fear buried so deep it attached itself to every part of me. It’s visceral.
I need to stop being afraid. So, in a small step, here I am posting again, even though I failed. Even though I missed a day. One small step now and who knows? Maybe, tomorrow…bravery.