I have been overwhelmed by the idea of infinity, endlessness, the sense of forever for a very long time. These notions and concepts terrified me as a child, truly scared me in a crippling manner. As I got older I learned to put this fear to the side, ignore it, and even pretend that it did not shape me. I thought it was putting aside my childhood fears that made me an adult, that was the maturity of a grown up.
The truth is that my personality has been defined by the things I have ignored.
I am twenty-seven right now and I am more in touch with these fears and feelings than ever before. I know the “who am I?” question is cliché and common. This commonality is, for some reason, a problem for me. I need to prove myself unique and special and maybe that plays into my avoidance. Yet, every part of my body is shouting it. I can feel the blood in my body yearn for truth, my skin tingle when it seems I have touched on it, even brushed by it.
My mom, as a way of assuaging my fears, would always say that I could always start over tomorrow, that trying again would always be possible. I do not know if my sense of needing things to be “good” and the way I imagined them came before or after this. But I always created this idea in my head of how something should be and was eternally disappointed when I couldn’t match it. It’s been paralyzing. I could not do any work unless my desk was just right, situated to match. I felt ugly unless my outfit reflected my creation of self. I couldn’t be me until I made all these pieces fit and in the mean time, the truth behind all of this meant that the fear of in adequacy was really just the truth, and I felt that. Feel that. I have never managed to measure up. I have finally realized my life has been on hold waiting, That maybe the dark clouds that always surrounded me, the bleakness of my life, the isolation of my mind was all really my presence in limbo.
I want movement. I want to live life and not just be a product of it. This New Year seems like the culmination of wanting to move on from my frozen life and the built in need for starting over. Maybe that I will know who I am, and I just hope that I am happy with the answer. That I will be something more that this shell. That I will become, and do more than witness.
Twenty seven year old me now knows what my child mind could not comprehend. That more frightening than endless time, than forever is time that is gone. I want more but how do I move past all the wasted time. I am twenty-seven and I have missed so much of life that I could have been having, loving, hating…I could have been more. What is worse than that which is gone? How do I do this thing called life, how do I live before I am gone? Am I too late? Is the life I was meant to live already gone?
My new fear? GONE.