on unfamiliar walls

I am not where I want to be. I sit here surrounded by an unfamiliar life, in and unfamiliar room with unfamiliar walls. Worst of all, I sit here consumed by unfamiliar feelings.  I was raised to question things  and taught to question everything and for the most part that has served me well but there is nothing more isolating then feeling like a stranger amongst your own thoughts and emotions. If nothing else rings familiar, let me at least here these words.

i need to get my shit together

New beginnings. I used to think someone would save me from my life, perhaps that is why I love Harry Potter so much. I have always felt the child, making a birthday wish for a different reality, buried deep in my soul.

My mom has always told me I can always have a fresh start. I think it started when my guilt did. When childish behavior by a child felt like the end of the world.

in my child mind.

As a child with adult problems and adult panic I needed to know it would be okay. Somehow and somewhere there is something different waiting for me. And so began fresh starts.

Well, I am a full grown adult still waiting for my life to start because I have restarted it so many times. Each beginning, every new year, every Sunday, every first of the month, every early morning I promise myself-

this time itll be different.

ill be different. ill be better.

someone will save me.

then I mess up, and I say

next time.

Well, maybe this time it will be my last new beginning. maybe now I can save myself. Or maybe not.

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