why i failed at coming out.

My favorite phrase lately has been “you do you” and as ridiculous as it may sound, this phrase has helped me navigate a bunch of tough situations. I realize in hindsight that it echoes a foundation I never realized I had… that people have the ability to be good AND different. That overlapping lives can coexist without encroaching on each other.

Sexuality has always been confusing for me. I am not pretty and as a result I was a late bloomer. In my curiosity I did a lot of reflecting. I realized I was unbiased, why should it matter who I am with physically if they treat me right, if I connect, if all the fundamentals were there? People who never caught my eye originally could easily become attractive as I got to know them. Catching a glimpse of their humanity, their uniqueness, would light me on fire. Is that not more important than the body they are in? In examining these thoughts and feelings I realized that I do not fit in typical sexuality boxes. If anything, I would most identify as pansexual.

My being pansexual does not encroach on others. It in not way affects others in any way that is different than a heterosexual life would. Why do I have to come out? Why do I have to sit you down and explain to you what I do with others?

Why.

But then I did and I took it back and hated myself for doing it and hated myself for taking it back. I never cared as much until the words left my mouth and although you let me pretend I could suck them back in, inhale them like the breath I was struggling to find I hate it all the same. Why?

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